ROZ: I'm sorry I brought Alice today. We have so much work to do.
That's all right, Roz. You know what? You'll find another nanny soon.
I better. I have a date tomorrow. It's my first one in a month.
A month.
Between spending my days with you and my nights with Alice
I've forgotten what a real conversation is like.
Well, don't tell Alice that. It might hurt her feelings.
ROZ: Whoop, there we go again.
- Thanks. Hello. - Hello.
Just look at the dapper gent I ran into on the elevator.
MARTIN: All right, Niles, that's enough. Yes, I like the suit you got me.
All right, well.
Tell me about the comments. Did everybody there ooh and ah?
No, people were pretty much looking at the guy in the casket.
- So, Dad, how was the funeral? - Oh, it was terrible.
It was not all the way Stan would've wanted it.
They did everything on the cheap.
That daughter of his, she didn't even get the good priest.
She got some rookie from the seminary
who stumbled all through the eulogy
and couldn't even pronounce Wojadubakoski.
Well, I can commiserate with you, Dad.
I had rather a bad day on the death front myself. Sherry?
- Yes, please, Niles. - I received a letter today informing me
that thanks to my divorce,
I've lot my plot at Seattle's toniest cemetery.
You mean, you're out of Verdant Hills? Oh, I am sorry, Niles.
I know how much you were looking forward to being dead there.
They've wait-listed me, but I don't like my odds.
FRASIER: I don't blame you.
One country club fire, you can kiss your chances goodbye.
I went to all sorts of funerals as a child.
My uncle's a mortician. Lovely man.
He's offered to do my makeup for the wedding.
I can just hear the whispers now.
"Did you see the bride? Very lifelike."
Dad, you know, I'm sorry about your friend's funeral not going so well.
Rest assured, when the time comes,
years from now, Niles and I will follow your wishes to the letter.
- Thank you. - By the way, what are your wishes?
Never mind. I'm not gonna go planning my own funeral. It's bad luck.
- But, Dad... MARTIN: No.
You don't pull the cord on the bus until you're ready to get off.
- Pull the what on the what? FRASIER: I...
I didn't know Dad had such a bugaboo about his funeral arrangements.
I know, it's a painful subject,
but we've got to plan for it. We all must be prepared
when the cold hand of death comes knocking on our door.
- Would you get that? - I most certainly will not.
- Pizza. FRASIER: Oh, thank you very much.
Bulldog?
Good Lord, come in, come in. Oh, heavens.
You remember my brother Niles. Niles, you remember Bulldog.
Yes, of course. Hello, Bulldog. So you're delivering pizzas for a living?
No, I'm an eccentric millionaire. This has always been my dream.
- I can't tell you how sorry I am. - Hey, no, no. Can the sad face, okay?
I'm just making some extra cash between radio gigs.
- It's 18 bucks, by the way. - Right.
I just stopped by to leave off these opera tickets. I'll be on my way.
Thank you, Niles. By the way, I'm a little short of cash. Do you mind? Uh...
NILES: Yes, of course not. FRASIER: Thank you.
There's you are, and a little something extra for you.
Wow, that's a pretty generous tip.
Oh, I'll say. Wrong bill.
Hey, good luck, doc. I'll see you.
- Thanks, Bulldog. Take care. - All right.
Bulldog?
Oh, Roz.
Are you delivering pizzas?
Yeah, yeah.
This is kind of awkward, huh?
Oh, no, don't be embarrassed. A job's a job.
No, I mean awkward for you.
This is the first time you've seen me since
- we had that fling and I dumped you. - I dumped you, pizza boy.
Yeah, whatever. Hey, look who's here.
Hey, sweetpea, you are getting so big.
Hey, look at that smile. She likes me.
She's relieved not to be the least mature person in the room anymore.
Who's got a mean old mommy?
Roz.
Listen, I think you may have solved your babysitting problem.
Who, Bulldog? Are you nuts?
Yes, well, look, Alice is obviously crazy about him.
He could use the money.
I don't know.
Okay, fine. Fine, Roz, you just cancel your date.
I mean, you've been this long without a man, what's a few days more?
Bulldog, do you want a job?
BULLDOG: Okay, come on, one more bite
and we can watch SportsCenter.
Have you seen my purse?
Yeah, it's on the chair.
Steve is gonna be here any minute.
- So you been dating him for a while? - Actually, no.
Tonight's our first date. In fact, it's my first date in a month.
Whoa, you injured? You pull something?
No.
I guess no one quite measured up to that week you spent in the Doghouse?
- Let's get one thing straight. - Okay.
- That little fling we had is way over. - I know. I know, I know. I was joking.
Okay, if you're not gonna have some peaches
we've got some Jell-O in the fridge, huh?
You know, some naughty ladies like to wrestle in that stuff.
Oh, who's that? Who's that?
Let's see.
Let's see who it is.
- Hey. - Excuse me.
Is this Roz Doyle's apartment?
- Yeah, yeah. You her date? - Yeah.
Listen up.
You go out with Roz tonight, I will rip off your arm,
ram it down your throat and use it to squeeze your heart till it stops beating.
Hey, who's my pretty girl?
Okay, dirtball,
as soon as you get out of here, you call Roz,
and you cancel like a gentleman.
And as far as she's concerned, this conversation never took place. Got it?
Who are you?
I'm your worst nightmare. The babysitter.
Okay, time to brush your toothies.
Whoa!
Do I look slutty?
All right, if you're fishing for compliments, yeah, you look slutty.
Hello?
Hey, Steven.
Oh, really?
Well, tomorrow's Saturday. I mean, you won't have to...
No, it's okay.
Yeah, bye.
I don't believe it.
My first date in a month, and he blows me off.
What? At the last minute? What a jerk.
He does not deserve you.
Thanks, Bulldog.
Well, I guess I can go.
Oh. I ordered a pizza.
Just have him drop it by my place.
Oh, I'm at the YMCA.
Oh, have him, uh,
well, have him knock hard. I turn up the radio to drown out the sirens.
Why don't you just stay and have your pizza?
Well, are you sure?
Yeah, it's not like I'm doing anything tonight.
Come in and tell us what you guys did at the park today.
Ahh! We fed the ducks.
We went on a pony ride,
and came back for a whole jar of peas.
Peas? How'd you get her to eat those?
There's a trick to it. You gotta pretend to sneeze them out of your nose.
How'd you come up with that?
- It's an interesting story. - Actually, don't tell me.
NILES: Frasier. FRASIER: Oh, good afternoon, Niles.
Coffee's on me. I'm back in Verdant Hills Cemetery.
Oh, well, congratulations.
Nothing left now but all that pesky waiting.
I haven't gotten the official word yet, but I've called in a favour.
Bruce McGuirk is on the board of directors. I gave him grief counselling
when his uncle was lost at sea, and it occurred to me,
there's a plot gone begging.
Tell me something, do I have the word "loser" tattooed across my forehead?
No, Roz. But there is a rumour about a Tweety Bird on your upper thigh.
I've had two dates this week,
and both have bailed out on me in the last second.
- What's wrong with me? - Don't count yourself out just yet, Roz.
- Yeah, right. - No, there's a young man over there.
Can't take his eyes off of you. He's been staring at you since you came in.
That's Ted from the ad department. We've made eye contact for months.
Oh, yes, Ted. Well, his gaze is so steamy it's refoaming my latte.
Why don't you go over there and talk with him?
- I can't. I don't know what to say. - I'll tell you what, ask him to dinner.
I'm going to Chez Henri this evening. I'll get you a table.
I don't know. I'm feeling a little gun-shy.
If he sees you talking to me another minute longer
he'll think he's got some serious competition.
Thank you, Frasier. I needed a good laugh to loosen me up.
Yes, hello. Henri? It's Frasier Crane.
Yes, I was just wondering,
I'd like to get another table for a friend of mine tonight as well.
Niles Crane here. Hello, Bruce. I hope you're calling
- with good news about Verdant Hills. - Table for two.
Yes, a plot for one.
By the kitchen? Oh, Lord, I was hoping for something near the fireplace.
Near the parking lot? I'd prefer the Serenity Garden.
Oh, the back room would be fine. Uh, who's at the next table?
The hilltop is divine. Who's in the adjacent plot?
- The Ashbys. Wonderful. - The Ashbys. Delightful.
- Thank you very much. - I'm so grateful.
McGuirk got me a shady spot on the high hill.
- You mean...? - Yes. I'll spend eternity
- looking down on Maris. - Oh, Niles.
- Checkmate. - Ha-ha-ha.
He said yes.
Of course he did, Roz. Congratulations. And you're all set at Chez Henri.
- Great. BULLDOG: Okay.
What sorry bastard would steal a pacifier from a kid?
This stinks.
This is total B.S. This... Oh, found it, found it.
Listen, Bulldog, I hate to do this to you. Hi, Alice.
But can you babysit tonight? I just got a date with Ted over there.
- Really? ROZ: Yeah.
Yeah. Sure, I can stay. Hey, way to go, slugger.
Thanks. I better go home and get ready.
You go ahead. I'll, uh, catch up with you after I hit the can.
ROZ: Oh, lovely.
Hey, Ted, right?
Bulldog. Long time no see.
Hey, I hear you're going out with Roz tonight.
Listen up.
You have her home 45 minutes after you pick her up,
- or you'll be sorry. - Yeah?
What are you gonna do about it?
- Oh, my God. - If I'm willing to do that to me,
just think what I'll do to you.
Okay, 45 minutes.
Or else.
Hey, boys, feel like taking a ride?
Well, sure, Dad. Where to?
I got thinking about what we were talking the other night,
about me not having made any arrangements for myself.
And so I just went out and I bought myself a burial plot.
- Wow. - All right, let's go have a look, Dad.
I'm glad to see you finally realized there's no point in being
- superstitious about the whole thing. - I realized if I let you plan my funeral
that it'd be all harps, white wine and frankly, a lot of very pissed-off cops.
It's right up here on the left.
I've got the whole service mapped out.
It'll start with a bagpiper marching down the aisle.
Bagpipes? I'm having bagpipes at my wedding. You knew that.
And none of that dainty finger food, either. Big slabs of beef. Prime rib.
You can't have prime rib. I'm having prime rib.
- Oh, for Pete's sake. - No, this is lovely.
If you kick off before I get married, you'll ruin everything.
- All right, I'll drop the bagpipes. - No, have the bagpipes.
What else are you gonna have? A cake with a white coffin on the top?
MARTIN: Oh, just put a sock in it, will you?
DAPHNE: It wouldn't surprise me if you had a hearse
- with "Just Buried" on the side of it. MARTIN: Don't start. I'm warning you.
Pretty great, huh?
FRASIER: Mm. MARTINI Yeah.
And I'll put your mom's ashes over there on the left,
because that was her side of the bed. And, um...
Oh! See how close we are to the maintenance shed?
And that's good because?
You're the first one to get mowed.
Yeah, so do you really like this place?
Yes, Dad.
Fras, take about three steps over to your left, will you?
Keep going, keep going. There you are.
Niles, stand right next to him. Yeah.
Congratulations. You're standing on your very own graves.
What?
Yes. Well, they were for sale so I went ahead and bought them.
And after seeing how much you like it out here, I'm glad I did.
- But Dad... - Oh, I know what you're gonna say.
The expense. But don't worry about it.
Merry Christmas.
Sorry we had to rush out like that.
Me too. Is your stomach feeling any better?
Uh, not really.
Can I get you some ginger ale or...?
I really better go now.
She's asleep, Roz. Don't worry, I won't disturb you and...
Where's Ted?
He ditched me.
What?
Kept saying his stomach was bothering him
but he was looking at his watch the whole time.
What is wrong with men?
It's not him, it's me. This has been happening all week.
No, no, no, no, trust me, it is not you. Those guys are jerks.
Thanks, Bulldog.
Hey, oh, look, if you're hungry, I...
I was just whipping up a little something.
There's probably enough for two.
Great.
I'm just gonna go change, okay?
- What the hell are you doing here? - I know. I'm sorry.
You are supposed to be gone.
How many of my fingers do I have to dislocate
- before you take me seriously? TED: I got her home in 45 minutes.
- She left this in the car... - Hey!
Oh. This smells delicious.
Thank you.
Ow.
I guess I'm a little tense from that date.
Allow me.
Oh, ow!
You're tight.
Ohh.
I forgot how good you were at this.
Come to think of it,
you were good at a lot of things.
Whoa.
Victoria's Secret, page 39.
Why don't we just skip dinner and go straight for dessert?
Whoa. Penthouse Forum, page 23.
Are you the new pizza man?
I hope you're not double parked.
I promise you, ma'am, I will deliver in 30 minutes or more.
Wait. There's a scented candle out on the balcony.
Would you get that for me?
I'm kind of naked here.
It's cedar wood. It promotes stamina and sexual creativity.
I'll be right back.
Roz, open the door. Oh, I get it.
Pizza man.
You slime bag. You've been scaring off my dates all week.
- I don't know what you're... - Cut the crap. I saw you talking to Ted.
This is the lowest thing you've ever done.
After the way I trusted you, this is how you treat me.
- Would you let me in, please? - No.
Come on. It's freezing out here, as you can plainly see.
Good. I want you to suffer.
Oh, don't sit there. I eat off that table, for God's sake.
- Get dressed. - Roz, come on. Roz, wait.
- Would you let me explain? - I don't want to hear it.
You make me sick. Just get out.
I wasn't just trying to get you in bed. Just give me a second, please.
All right, last spring when we were together, it was great.
And...
I didn't know how to handle it, so I ran away.
But when I saw you again, it was...
I figured if I could keep the competition out of the way, then maybe...
you and I, I don't know...
we could be a couple.
Us?
I think I'm in love with you.
You're not saying anything, Roz.
Wait a minute.
I know what you're doing.
- What? - All this "love" stuff
is just another way to get me into bed.
Ne, Roz, no.
God, it's the oldest trick in the book.
- Wait a minute, Roz. Wait. - You're still at it. You're still at it.
- Give up, Bulldog. Give up, Bulldog. - No, listen, listen, Roz.
- You can't blame a guy for trying, ah? - No.
- I had you going, huh? - Yes.
- God. - All the dishes and the laundry.
- You're the master. - Yeah.
Oh, I even put childproof latches on the, uh, cabinets.
- Part of my plan to get you in the sack. - You are such a pig.
Well.
I better be going.
Okay.
Thank you for all of your help with Alice.
Oh.
I'll see you, Bob.
See you, Roz.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Wozniak, I know the balcony is not for sex play.
FRASIER: It's Frasier.
And, by the way, charming.
It's open.
I just saw you dash out of the restaurant with Ted.
My God, what's wrong?
You are not gonna believe what just happened.
Bulldog just told me he loved me.
- What? - He made Ted bring me home early.
Turns out he's been scaring my dates off all week.
Well, what did you say to him?
I tried to let him down easy.
I felt sorry for the guy.
Bulldog.
Wow, he's full of surprises, isn't he?
Who'd have thought?
You know what's really weird?
I'm gonna miss him.
Look at this.
I never had to worry about Alice. He kept this place so neat.
And it was really nice to have someone...
Someone to come home to.
Well, maybe Bulldog, in his own clumsy way,
gave you a taste of a more traditional lifestyle.
Yes, I suppose so.
Who knows, Roz?
Maybe the time has come you might be willing to start looking for a...
What? A husband?
- No, I wasn't gonna say that. - Just because I'm gonna miss Bulldog
doesn't mean I need to rush and get married.
- Fine. - Look at this week I've had.
Three guys interested in me, not to mention Bulldog.
I mean, I'm liking this.
Single life is pretty good.
All right, Roz.
As long as you're okay.
I really appreciate you coming by.
It's okay.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Of course.
- Good night. - Good night.